This contains spoilers for Xenophobe, Warfare, Ceasefire, and Void's Reign.
WIP, please don’t make me write this it’s killing me-
Can you fix me?
Can you try?
Can you hope?
Or am I just broken?
Broken beyond repair~
Prologue[]
Pain, terrible pain, horrible pain... it wouldn’t stop.
Through half-closed eyelids, I managed to see one thing.
My brother fell to the ground, red soaking his chest. His eyes caught mine for a fraction of a second, and those eyes said it all.
I wanted to scream for him to stop, I wanted to kill the guards myself.
But I couldn’t.
All I could do was scream in my mind as Ariana snarled the last words she’d ever speak.
“Kill him.”
If there’s a worse feeling than watching the one person you love more than anything die in front of you, while you can’t do anything about it, while you know it’s your fault... I don’t know it.
Everywhere I looked there was blood, all I heard was the screams, of the guards, of my children, of my brother, screams that resounded through my mind...
No tears fell, no screams escaped, there was nothing. All I felt was shock, pure shock and pain, as I stared at the dying image of Hunter.
His eyes were filled with pain and love, the world’s saddest smile plastered on his face.
A weak gasp escaped me as the spear plunged down...
And my brother, the one and only person I knew I loved... his gaze turned empty.
Part One[]
Chapter One[]
If I’m being honest, I don’t even remember killing Ariana. I just remember Hunter’s face flashing through my mind.
Everyone tells me I was terrifying.
That makes me smile.
My husband’s voice shatters the thoughts.
“Jade? Are you…”
Korathius’s eyes find the limp and half-desecrated body behind me. “Oh, no... Jade, are you-“
“I’m fine!” I respond, voice cracking slightly. “We should get back to work. There’s a lot to do.”
He shakes his head, stepping towards me. “There’s no way you’re okay. You need a-“
“I’m fine and if you ask me again I’m burying you neck-deep in earth,“ I snarl, pulling away from him. “Try to hug me and I’ll slice your limbs off.”
Korathius gapes at me, “Jade-“
“Go away.”
He takes a shaky breath before nodding, rushing to the shocked Opal and Robin. The two gape at me while their father comforts them, whispering something under his breath as he shoots me a glance.
I don’t care.
My feet shuffle away from my family, away from everyone. Including the dead body that was once... once my brother.
Next thing I know I’m running, running to a place where he still lives.
Yet no such place exists.
So I just run and run and run…
How long has it been? An hour? Two? A few days?
All I know is running.
And tears.
And screams.
And blood.
And his face.
Branches scratched my body... a hug full of thorns the only hug I’d ever know. Blood, even more blood, running down my body... down his body... his dying face...
Reality and memories mixed and churned on my mind, neither distinct from each other.
Insanity was grabbing me…
Consuming me…
Controlling me…
Collapse.
Chapter Two[]
Am I awake or is it another nightmare?
What’s the difference?
There’s nothing good in either.
I wait for the tears to come, for the grief to consume me.
It doesn’t.
I’m just… empty.
I find myself getting up, distinctly aware of blankets falling off my body and a mattress creaking under me. That’s when I realized. It’s dark. I… I slept. I slept in the dark. For the first time in decades, without my brother at my side…
Then I remember. He’s gone.
The hollow ache inside me is worse than any shadow, deeper than any void, scarier than any memory. It’s all I can do not to fall on the ground and combust right there because my brother, my Hunter, the one person I loved…
Gone. Gone forever.
I wait for the tears, the screams, the sobs… for any emotion at all. Yet all I feel is emptiness.
Burying my face in my blankets, I begin the process that grounds me best.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Plant my feet on the ground.
Repeat.
The sense of stability, of control, of readiness is the only thing that keeps me going. That, and the new feeling blossoming in me. Anger. Pure, fierce, harsh, unadulterated, anger.
I killed Ariana. Who else can pay?
I can. I can pay.
But I won’t.
He’d want me to survive, he’d want justice, he’d want me…
I shake my head. Is this what he really wants? Is it worth it to even think about him? It’s too much.
So I do the only thing I can think of.
I find myself running out of my room, needing to do something.
I can’t run too far, though… even though my feet just want to keep going, run to him, run through life, run to death.
Crashing to the ground.
Where am I?
My vision clears slightly. A tiny one-room cottage cleared out except for a couple beds, closets, and simple things like that.
A boy laughing as he hugged me tight, amber eyes sparkling and tangled brown hair matted against the ground-
My hands are covering my face now, fingernails puncturing my skin so hard tiny beads of blood appear where they dig in.
“Breathe. Breathe.”
I look up, seeing my husband, seeing…
A murderer.
An unearthly scream rings through the room as I scramble to my feet, the words that escape my mouth not mine. “What did you do? What did you do to my BROTHER?”
Korathius blinks in surprise. “I… I d-don’t know, what are you doing here? Juniper still needs to treat-“
“Leave me alone!”
He takes a shaky breath, running his hands through already-mussed black hair. “Are you-“
I back away, panting heavily. “Go away.”
“Let me take you ba-“
I snarl at him, Void magic appearing in my hands. “If you so much touch me I’ll kill you like you killed him.”
He steps back. “Please-“
“Leave me alone,” I say, still brandishing the waves of darkness.
“Jade?” A voice calls, my sister rushing into the room. “You’re awake.”
For some reason, I scream.
“Jade?” Juniper says, frowning. “Are you-“
A smile crosses my face as I shake my head. “I’ve never been okay.”
Then I passed out.
Chapter Three[]
“D-daddy?”
Nobody.
Tears began running down my face, my cries growing more desperate. “Daddy! Daddy!”
Sobs started coming.
“…Daddy?”
A boy stepped towards me, concern flickering in his amber gaze. “Jade?”
I only continued crying, scooting away from him.
“H-hey, it’s okay,” he said, spreading his arms. “You’ll be fine.”
“Daddy?”
“Daddy isn’t here. But I’m here. I’m your brother, and I’m here. We stick together, okay? Just you and me, right?”
Sobs subsided to sniffles. “Forever?”
“Forever and ever.”
I began to smile, melting into his arms. I’d be okay. We’d be okay.
A boy clutched my hand, dragging me along gently as we stumbled through a meadow.
“Where are we going?” I asked, him picking me up when I stumbled on the roots.
“Far away.”
“But Daddy said he’d come and stay with me.”
“…I’ll stay with you. That’s enough, isn’t it?”
I looked up at him, smiling. “Okay!”
A boy stood with one slightly shaking hand on a doorframe, looking back at me. “I’ll be back, okay?”
Tears began to well. “You said you’d stay.”
“I’m doing this for you,” he responded, kneeling down to look me in the eye. “I do everything for you. I’ll be back. I’ll never abandon you. Right?”
“Can’t you stay with me?”
“I have to leave.”
“But-“
“I love you.”
My own blade stabbed downwards and hit my brother’s neck.
Chapter Four[]
“…Hunter-“
Nobody.
There was nobody.
Korathius sat watching me, wincing slightly when I pulled away.
Neither of us spoke, at least until he cleared his throat, hiding a sob.
“That was the first time I’ve seen you sleep peacefully in thirty, forty years.”
“And?”
“And I hope that lasts.”
“Don’t bother. They’ll be back.”
“As will the screams?”
“Probably.”
“…you’re not the only one with nightmares.”
I snarl. “You think I’ll start pitying you?”
“No, I think you’ll push me away like you always do.”
Hurt protrudes in his voice, an empty ache where I should feel pity. Love. Something. Instead all I do is snap, “Well, what are your little nightmares about? Getting a boo-boo?”
“You.”
I fall silent.
“At night. Screaming. I can never help you until you wake up.”
“…I don’t want your help.”
The wizard smiles weakly. “I figured you wouldn’t.”
The silence stretches on.
“…do you ever…” he shifts uncomfortably, “think about me? I mean, at night?”
“Well, I have this recurring nightmare of a stupid guy parading into my room thinking he can fix me when I’m broken.”
“…I try, you know? It’s not enough, I know it’s not enough, but I try anyway. You used to too.”
“Well, I don’t anymore,” I respond, wanting to cry suddenly but not having the will or the humility to.
“…I know it’s selfish, but I keep hoping you’ll… you know… care. I know you don’t, I know you can’t, I know you won’t, but hope is stupid like that.”
I laugh without really wanting to. “You’re stupider. Now why did you come in here?”
He wordlessly holds up a piece of paper.
Hunter Landcrafter’s funeral is scheduled for-
My vision start to blur, yet I don’t react for five seconds before grabbing the stupid paper, ripping it in half, throwing the pieces in Korathius’ face, and turning away, staring at the withering flowers in a sad little flowerbox.
“Are you sure-“
“Leave me alone!”
“…I’m so sorry-“
I get to my feet, pushing him to the ground. “Nobody wants your pity. Nobody wants you. You don’t even want me. Did someone put you up to this? No, of course not, who would? Go away before I make you.”
He leaves, leaving me alone as ever.
Yet I was always alone.
Chapter Five[]
Tears that only existed in my imagination ran down my purple-splotched face, scars that would never heal.
Too many scars to count.
I brought a hand to my forehead, trying to remember what had happened in my dream.
All of it was real… but I killed him… did I want to kill him?… did he even love me?… was he lying?… does he hate me?… did he hate me?… will he hate me in death?… do I deserve it?
Too many questions for my scattershot, broken brain to put together. All I have is doubt, fear feeding it, trauma feeding that…
I need answers.
The door swings open in front of me as I walk pointlessly around an empty forest that I used to know. But telltale trees are chopped down. The dirt path is mostly obscured. And it’s not like I can remember what a little patch of forest looks like when I have memories that’ll never leave.